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Help your teen through a breakup
HOUSTON, TX—(February 11, 2008)

Breaking up is hard to do at any age. But the intense emotions that come with a breakup can be too much for some teenagers to handle.

“Some relationships may seem so intense and so necessary that teenagers harm themselves when the relationship ends,” says Norma Clarke, MD, a child psychiatrist at The Menninger Clinic and medical director of The Clinic’s Adolescent Treatment Program.

Dr. Clarke says she has treated patients who have attempted suicide, cut themselves and abused alcohol or drugs because they have trouble dealing with a breakup. An argument with a boyfriend or girlfriend is the second most common reason that teens attempt suicide, according to an Oregon study published in 1995. In isolated cases, some teens undergoing a breakup may feel so depressed that they also harm others. The Omaha mall shooter, age 19, reportedly broke up with his girlfriend in the month before his shooting rampage that killed eight. 

A breakup signals to parents to be alert for signs of trouble in their teen’s emotional health, because they often keep their feelings secret.

“If your teen falls off the deep end and you have a sense that you are losing control of him or her, you need to intervene,” says Dr. Clarke, also an assistant professor in the Menninger Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Baylor College of Medicine. Sudden changes in your teen’s behavior may also be signs that he or she is having relationship problems, she adds.

Signs a relationship have gone too far

• Your teenager insists on spending all of his or her free time with the other person and stops seeing friends. “If the idea of not being with the other person leads to an outburst, you have to wonder, ‘how is it that you can’t be away from this person for more than five minutes?’

• Your teenager cries frequently, wants to be alone or sleeps more or less than usual, if his or her boyfriend/girlfriend is not around.

• The age gap between your teenager and boyfriend/girlfriend is more than three years.

• Your teenager is constantly talking on the telephone or chatting on the Internet. Chat rooms and social networking Web sites can be dangerous places for teenagers with low self-esteem, looking for human connection. Child predators visit chat rooms in hopes of luring teenagers to a face-to-face meeting.

What parents can do

• Talk to your teenager about the relationship. “Remind your child that it is not a good idea to get too involved with just one person. They should keep their friends, and they shouldn’t put all their eggs in one basket,” Dr. Clarke says.

• Establish relationship rules according to your family’s morals and values. “It is OK to say, ‘It is our expectation that you will not have sex when you are (age you decide) years old.’”

• Frequently monitor your child’s Internet usage to see what sites he or she frequently visits. Stay abreast of changes made to your child’s MySpace or Facebook pages. Trust your instincts if the messages or content seems out of character and discuss it with your child.

• Be alert to cutting or other self-harm behavior such as your teen no longer wearing short-sleeved clothing.

“Parents tend not to talk to kids about relationships or sexual behavior,” Dr. Clarke says. “Keeping an open line of communication about friends of all types, activities and expectations is more welcomed by your child than may be apparent. I don’t think parents realize the impact they have on their teenager’s behavior.”

The Menninger Clinic is an international specialty psychiatric center, providing treatment, research and education. Founded in 1925 in Kansas, Menninger relocated to Houston in 2003 and is affiliated with Baylor College of Medicine and The Methodist Hospital. For 17 consecutive years, Menninger has been named among the leading psychiatric hospitals in U.S. News & World Report’s annual ranking of America ’s Best Hospitals.

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