Surviving the Death of a Child

Donna Lamb, LSCSW
Senior Social Worker, The Menninger Hope Adult Program

Upon becoming a parent, most people are surprised to find within themselves a previously unrecognized capacity to love and a fierce need to protect; parents take on the role of provider, problem solver and advisor. This emotional bonding between parent and child occurs long before the child’s birth, as each parent begins to fantasize about the child, imagining the life they will share. Parents dream of having someone whom they can love unconditionally and who will love and need them; children provide the opportunity for parents to correct mistakes made during their own childhood and serve as carriers of the family name and family genes. Children provide a sense of purpose for the parents and, therefore, become an integral part of the parents’ lives. The greatest fear of most parents is having a child die, as they cannot imagine being able to emotionally cope with such a loss.

A child’s death, no matter the age of the child, is incomprehensible to parents. Bereaved parents feel oppressive feelings of failure in their roles as parents; their inability to prevent their child’s death leads to overwhelming feelings of helplessness and of being violated. Their sense of self diminishes, and they feel disillusioned, empty and insecure. Parents, looking through their pain, are disoriented and confused to see that somehow the world continues on even though nothing makes sense any more. Their instincts to provide for and protect the child continue after the death, but they are unable to act on these instincts; stormy nights often find bereaved parents awake, wondering if their child is in a safe, dry place.

It’s interesting to note that in other types of familial death, there is a term that denotes a change in relationship: bereaved spouses become “widows” or “widowers” and “orphans” denote children who have no parents. There is, however, no word that reflects the changed status from “parent” to “bereaved parent.” It is a change that defies vocabulary.

Because bereaved parents represent the worst fear of every parent, they are avoided more than other mourners. Other family members are experiencing their own grief, friends don’t know what to say or do and society expects parents to return to work in three days, being as productive as before. The child’s death is socially invalidated. Parents often report feeling disconnected from reality, similar to being in a sensory deprivation chamber; without feedback from others; judging reality becomes impossible.

Numerous secondary losses accompany the death of a child, including loss of the family as it existed prior to the death. Surviving children lose the emotional, and perhaps physical, availability of their parents, grandparents “lose” their children to parental grief and spouses lose the support of each other–each whose emotional plate is so full that they cannot be there for the other. The impact of a child’s death on a marital relationship cannot be underestimated. Neither parent will be the same person as they were before the death.

Each parent had a unique relationship with the child and this uniqueness will be reflected in the grief process. Each parent’s characterological differences will make their external and internal experiences of grief different: one may need to talk about the child constantly, while the other may find mention of the child too difficult; one may seek out friends for support, while the other may withdraw; one may want to allow surviving children to witness his/her grief responses, while the other may want to protect the children from the parent’s pain; one may want to resume sexual intimacy, while the other may feel that enjoying any aspect of life is a betrayal of the child; one may find comfort in returning to work quickly, while the other may be unable to function.

It is not unusual for grief responses such as despair, anger, guilt and feelings of loss of control to increase in mothers for several years after the death. Fathers, on the other hand, typically experience a decrease in symptoms after the second year (Fish, 1986). Therefore, as the mother’s grief is intensifying, the father’s is decreasing, which further contributes to the isolation each parent feels in the marital relationship.

Especially problematic in parental grief is guilt, resulting from the parents’ deep sense of responsibility for and helplessness after a child’s death. Miles and Demi (1986) identify the following sources of parental guilt.

Death causation guilt: resulting from parent’s perceived contribution to or failure to protect the child from death
Illness-related guilt: resulting from perceived deficiencies in the parental role during the child’s illness or at the time of death
Parental role guilt: the belief that the parent failed to live up to self- or societal expectations in the overall parental role
Moral guilt: resulting from the belief that the child’s death was punishment or retribution for something the parent did or failed to do
Survival guilt: the belief that children should outlive their parents
Grief guilt: resulting from the parent’s behavioral or emotional reactions of grief at the time of or following the child’s death

It is often thought that the death of a child is a death knell for the marriage. This is not true. If a marital relationship was struggling prior to the child’s death, the death will add another dimension to the struggle. If the marriage was strong, however, the relationship often ends up stronger than it was before. Communication concerning what each needs and expects from the other is critical, balanced by an awareness that the partner may not be able to provide the support that is requested; other family members or friends may be needed for support. Most importantly, partners must realize that any distance they feel in their relationship during the grief process is not necessarily a true reflection of real feelings for each other.

What may be seen as complicated grief responses in individuals who have experienced the death of someone other than a child, may be seen as normal in parental grief. As long as the behavior is not physically, emotionally or psychosocially dysfunctional for too long, it can be viewed as normal parental grief. As painful as the grief process will be, it is important that parents allow themselves to feel the pain of separation from their child so that they can, in the future, live a life that is not governed by intense pain. If attended to, the pain of parental grief does diminish, and a new life, which incorporates a spiritual and psychological relationship with the child, will unfold.

References
Fish, W. C. (1986). Differences of Grief Intensity in Bereaved Parents. In T. Rando (Ed.), Parental Loss of a Child. Champaign, IL: Research Press Co.

Miles, M. S. and Demi, A. S. (1986). Guilt in Bereaved Parents. In T. Rando (Ed.), Parental Loss of a Child. Champaign, IL: Research Press Co.