“Hit Him Back” Doesn’t Work: How to Handle Bullying Behavior

Has your child even been bullied? Were you bullied as a child? Sadly, bullying is commonplace in today’s culture. As a result, many mental health professionals are studying ways to raise awareness about the problem and prevent bullying.

According to the National Education Association, bullying is “systematically and chronically inflicting physical hurt and /or psychological distress on one or more students.”

Gaye Barker, National Education Association’s coordinator of Bullying and Sexual Assault Prevention and Intervention Programs, states that much of the bullying behavior doesn’t occur just on the school’s playground or in the bathroom, but also takes place in the classroom. Often teachers are unaware or unwilling to address the behavior.

“By creating a partnership, so that everyone is committed to solving the problem, bullying behavior can be alleviated,” she says.

The goal of the NEA’s program is to educate the community on what bullying is and how to address it. Teaching people that bullying will not be tolerated is the first step. The NEA program strives to help the whole school and community handle this issue, so training is not just for the principals or the teachers, but also the housekeeping staff, as well as the superintendent and other individuals within the overall community. “With everyone involved, the bully has no place to hide,” Ms. Barker explained.

Most adults believe bullying is the same as normal peer conflict. However, bullying differs and can be difficult to discern from rough play or normal conflict, according to Louise Peloquin, PhD from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), “A study on the ability of lunchtime supervisors to distinguish students’ play fighting from true aggression found that supervisors were more likely to mistake aggression for play than the reverse,” Dr. Peloquin said.

She also points out that that it is a myth only a small number of children are affected by bullying. “Just about every student in a school may be affected by bullying, either as a victim, the bully him/herself or as a witness. As bystanders, students are often confused and fear for their own safety.” A conservative estimate is that 10 percent of students are chronic victims of bullying, according to Dr. Peloquin.

Given the prevalence of bullying, Stuart Twemlow, MD, a psychiatrist and international authority on school and community violence from the world-renowned Menninger Clinic, has been studying the causes and effects of bullying on individuals and communities. From a three-year, ongoing study known as the Peaceful Schools Project, Dr. Twemlow and other researchers at the psychiatric center have devised a set of low-cost school violence prevention techniques based on the rigors of scientific evaluation. Since so few programs develop interventions relying on strict randomized, controlled studies, the Peaceful Schools Project is believed to be the most ambitious, privately funded study of its kind.

From the ongoing Menninger studies, Dr. Twemlow and his colleagues have concluded that bullying behavior, especially in schools, requires three participants: a bully, a target and an observer or bystander. Take one role out of the mix and bullying can be stymied. Involve the whole school in a comprehensive antiviolence program and bullying may be virtually eliminated. “Most individuals will focus on the bully and the victim,” Dr. Twemlow said, “however, one can’t ignore the fact that bystanders affect and are affected by bullying behavior.” He asserts that other kids may “egg this type of behavior on,” giving fuel to the bully’s actions, or they may witness bullying behavior and then be afraid to say anything to anyone.

Dr. Twemlow knows the topic all too well. He was a target of bulling by both adults and children, when he was orphaned as a young child in England. He speaks candidly about what it felt like to be bullied, and although he is now in his 60s, it is a memory that has not faded for him. “I was the kid with the pimples and the glasses,” he said, “so I was a real target…however, I was able to use a technique that helped me…I did the bully’s homework.” While he would never recommend this “technique” to a young person today, Dr. Twemlow’s experience affected him to such a degree that it became one of his many areas of interest about human behavior.

Bullies often share common characteristics, according to Dr. Twemlow. “These kids are usually male, usually have academic problems and usually have parents who are angry as well.”

Children who have been bullied, Dr. Twemlow said, “may exhibit regression states, such as nightmares, bed wetting, school refusal and somatic symptoms like a stomachache.” Dr. Twemlow cautions that different age groups will most likely result in different types of behaviors. In elementary school, bullying may take more of a psychological form, whereas in middle school it is more likely to be physical. Once in high school, behavior often reverts back to psychological bullying, which is harder to detect.

Bullying behavior may indicate some underlying emotional issues in a significant portion of children, and the child should be seen by a mental health professional. Without some type of intervention, the behavior will most likely continue. Research shows that as adults, these individuals are more likely to engage in violence in the home and in their communities. Suicide rates for kids who are bullies or who have been bullied are higher than for kids who have not dealt with this issue in their life.

To detect kids who bully, Dr. Peloquin and the SAMHSA studies, recommend being alert for the following traits.

A child being bullied often:

Withdraws socially; has few or no friends.
Feels isolated, alone and sad
Feels picked on or persecuted
Feels rejected and not liked
Frequently complains of illness
Doesn’t want to go to school, avoids some classes or skips school
Cries easily, displays mood swings and talks about hopelessness
Has poor social skills
Talks about running away or may talk of suicide
Threatens violence to self and others
Experiences changes in eating or sleeping patterns
Takes, or attempts to take, “protection” to school (stick, knife, gun, etc.)
Displays “victim” body language, such as hangs the head, hunches shoulders and avoids eye contact

A bully often:

Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate others
Enjoys feelings of power and control
Is both a poor winner (boastful and arrogant) and a poor loser
Seems to derive satisfaction from others fears, discomfort or pain
Is good at hiding behaviors or doing them where adults can’t notice
Is excited by conflicts between others
Blames others for his/her problems
Displays uncontrolled anger
Has a history of discipline problems
Displays a pattern of impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating and aggressive behaviors
Has a history of violent and aggressive behaviors
Displays intolerance and prejudice toward others
May use alcohol, other drugs or be a member of a gang
Lacks empathy towards others

According to Dr. Peloquin and the SAMHSA studies, “the longer bullying lasts, the harder it is to change. Bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24.” “And the targets of bullies grow socially insecure and anxious with decreased self-esteem and increased depression rates, even into adulthood. By addressing the issue now, much of this pain can be avoided.”

If you suspect that your child is a bully, implement these tips to help you cope with the situation.

Repeatedly communicate to your child that bullying is not acceptable behavior.
Tell your child the penalties for bullying and enforce them fairly and consistently.
Help your child learn alternative ways to deal with anger and frustration.
Teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
Work out a way for your child to make amends for the bullying.
Help your child develop an understanding of the effects of their bullying on the child targeted.
Seek help or counseling if the bullying continues.
If contacted by the school, stay calm and avoid becoming angry and defensive. Make yourself really listen. Remember this is ultimately about the well being of your child.

Parents also are encouraged to prevent children from becoming a target of bullying by following these tactics.

Instill self-confidence in your child through positive reinforcement and other means daily.
Help your child establish good social skills.
Teach your child to speak out for himself/herself.
Teach your child to seek help when harassed from you or other caring adults.
Present yourself as a model of non-violent behavior.
Cleary state that violence is not acceptable.
Assist your child in finding non-violent strategies for anger management and conflict resolution.
Seek help from mental health counselors.

By working together, these harmful behaviors and their associated affects can be alleviated, if not diminished all together. As adults, we need to know how to recognize bullying as a problem and address these issues responsibly because the research reveals telling our children to “just hit them back” never works.

To learn more, contact any of the persons interviewed or their organizations. The SAMHSA Web site offers information that you can download or order that will allow you to start a campaign in your community. The NEA provides similar information. The Menninger Clinic has trained staff that will help you decide if your child needs more professional help. Peaceful Schools Project information is also available on the Menninger Web site. Doing nothing at all only empowers the bullies and perpetuates the problems.